Silly and Smutty
by mutive
Summary: Random goofy fills.
1. Mabari Dominance

**Mabari Dominance**

_A/N: Changed name for the sake of propriety. From a kmeme fill with the same title._

Barkspawn could smell the bitch in heat. He leaped through the kennels, desperate to get to her before another male impregnated her. While the others might be dogs, they were not the alpha dog. And Barkspawn needed to make his dominance clear to the others, while simultaneously ensuring that his superior genes lived on.

He paused only once in his pursuit to growl at another male, scaring him away with impressive fangs and superior size. Then he found her. The bitch in heat. Her coat was thick and glossy, her size nearly a large as his own. Why, she was a mabari fit to guard royalty. She was the only dog in the kennel who could be his match, the alpha female to his alpha male. He must have her.

Within a few minutes, he had mounted her, and was pumping away at her, desperate to fill her with his seed. He became so lost in his endeavor, that he had not realized that a human had stepped into the kennels until he had been splashed with a bucket of cold water.

DA:O

"Barkspawn!" Alistair said, furious at the former Warden's dog. "Knock it off!" He threw another bucket of water at the copulating beasts.

He could see Barkspawn attempt to pull away, but unfortunately, it appeared as though he was stuck. Alistair sighed. "You know," he said. "Anora likes her sleep. If you don't quiet down, she's going to be impossible to live with tomorrow."

Then he saw the bitch who was the focus of Barkspawn's attention and frowned. Just his luck. Of course it had to be Buttercup who had gone into heat that evening.

"Did you really have to?" Alistair asked, watching Barkspawn give a toothy doggy grin. "That's Anora's dog, you know. And she didn't want to breed her."

Barkspawn finally managed to calm down enough to dismount from Buttercup. He wagged his tailless rear end.

"Oh, you're right," Alistair said. "I never could fault you for anything." He patted the dog. "Just try to keep it down next time, and to avoid the Queen's favorites."


	2. Stamina Potion

**Stamina Potion**

_A/N: For a prompt requesting "Big Love Alistair". We'll keep the prompt anon, to protect the guilty. Including a certain author who was joking with another about how Alistair could never stand to be married to one woman, but sleeping with another, unless everyone was totally OK with the situation ala the HBO show "Big Love"...(Note that Leliana was kept on as a mistress, too, just in order to get the number of wives up to 3.)_

"Oh, Maker, I'm close!" Leliana said, as she bounced up and down on Alistair's lap. She could feel it. It was just one more thrust in just the right place, and she'd be there. So close, so close…it was building up to where she could barely stand it.

"Hurry up," Alistair said. She could feel him bring his hands to her hips, to help her move. Reach under her skirts to swirl a finger about her groin, intensifying the sensations. "You know we're not supposed to do this."

"I'm almost there," Leliana said, rocking her hips faster and faster, her teeth clenched, her head thrown back. Oh, Maker, she was close. She was so close. So close that almost nothing could distract her. Well, nothing other than the door to her room opening, and Anora stepping through it.

"Alistair, Leliana!" Anora said, her voice sharp as the crack of a whip. "It is not your night!"

No matter. Leliana was close, and she was not going to abandon her prize quite yet. She resumed her motion, and quickly came with a whimper, just to have Alistair thrust into her a few more times before surrendering, his face buried in her breast. Leliana looked up to see that Anora was glaring at both of them in disgust.

"Really," she said, her arms crossed under her breasts as she glared at the couple. "I go to all the work of devising an equitable schedule, and this is how you behave." Leliana watched her turn and walk to the door, hoping that she'd leave so that she could come down from her orgasm with some dignity, before Anora spoke one last time. "Make sure you're cleaned up by dinner. If Solona knew you were doing this on her night, she'd be furious."

DA:O

Anora fiddled with her planner. She definitely wanted the anniversary of her father's death to be an Alistair-free day for herself, so perhaps she could give him to Solona then? Although it was Solona's birthday later that week, which would mean that either Leliana would get Alistair two days in a row, or she'd have to miss a day during the absolute peak of her cycle. Which she was loathe to do quite yet, when she was still optimistic that she might conceive as quickly as Leliana had. It was fortunate that Leliana was pregnant, true. But irritating all the same, as she truly did not want to deal with the implications of a half-Orlesian, illegitimate, heir to the throne. Maker knew, she'd have an easier time convincing the Landsmeet to trust the country to a mage.

It did not help that no matter what she did, both women were likely to whine about how unfair it was that they did not get the exact days that they demanded. While Alistair would complain yet again at how put upon he was by the schedule, and demand an extra day off. What a nuisance. Oh well. She'd present the schedule tomorrow to the others and see what they thought of the matter. Until then, she supposed that she ought to take advantage of her husband, considering that according to the current month's schedule, she was unlikely to have him for nearly another week.

DA:O

"I'm sorry," Alistair said, as he stared down at Anora. "Just…it's been a busy week." He rolled to the side of their bed with a sigh. It really wasn't his fault. Leliana had surprised him. And Solona had demanded her marital rights last night. Twice.

"But I can't conceive if you won't have sex with me," Anora said, pulling away from him. "If you can only perform so many times in a week, you really ought to save yourself for my night."

"I know," Alistair said. Leliana was pregnant, anyway, and most likely, Solona was unable to have a child with another Grey Warden. But both of them seemed more, well…enthusiastic.

"Just..." he felt the bed move, and turned to see that Anora was standing, the candle light glinting off her perfect skin that had been such a turn on for the first month of their marriage. "I need this. We need this. Isn't there something I could do? Or that you could do?"

Alistair stood and took her in his arms. "Honey, you're fine the way you are. I don't need a root or a potion or anything."

"Are you sure?" Anora asked. "Because I looked into this contingency. " Alistair just stared at her, as she continued. "I had an alchemist develop a potion that's supposed to boost stamina. Just in case you need it. Or even just wanted to try it out. You know, for fun.

"Sweetie," Alistair said, kissing her on the hair, and then lips. She did love him, even if she had really odd ways of showing it. "That's too kind of you."

"Really," Anora said. "If it would help at all. I mean, for the good of Ferelden, and all that."

But somehow, as he ran his hand over her generous backside, he realized that he might not need the potion tonight. Still, it might not hurt to grab a few. Just in case he needed one tomorrow.


	3. Shems, Vile Shems

**Shems, Vile Shems**

_This was for a prompt on the LJ kink meme for Shainni + Vaughan + non-con. I hate non-con, so wrote this instead. Beyond that, I have no idea as to what to make of this, so will let it stand on its own..._

Shainni was more than a little upset that Vaughn had decided to use Kallian's wedding as an opportunity to rekindle their relationship. However, she supposed that she'd always found her cousin to be annoying, and didn't particularly like Nelaros, so whatever. She'd make Vaughn make it up to her later.

Of course, she thought, as she hung suspended by her wrists, he hadn't made good on his promise to make it up to her yet. Although he'd brought along several friends, he had selfishly refused to let her play with them, even though several of them were nearly as handsome as Vaughn himself. And his demand that she strip had been far less erotic than having him just tear her clothing off her nubile body. Really, he was a complete and total disappointment this evening.

Then, of course, Kallian just had to come by with Soris and nearly ruin her night! Luckily, Vaughn had done something right there in managing to bribe both of them to go away and leave him alone, but still! It had been such a close call! Who knows what might have happened?

Luckily, that was settled, and now Vaughn was walking towards her with a grin on his face.

"Oooh," Shianni said aloud. "At last we can let the games begin!"

Vaughn took that as a sign, and painfully slowly went through his drawer of toys when Shianni wished that he'd just get to it and give her some. He took out an overly large dildo (although only as big as the well-endowed Vaughn!), some fletchettes, a riding crop, a gag, and a bull whip.

"Oooh, the crop!" Shianni said, hoping that he'd take the hint. He picked up the gag instead, but when he saw the look of disappointment on her pretty little face, picked up the crop instead. He stood by her naked body, and ran the edge lightly over her skin. Shianni felt herself shudder.

"Don't be too harsh, at first," she said, her eyes lighting in pleasure. "Be gentle..."

And the first crack was. It didn't even redden her skin.

"Too gentle!" Shianni said. And then he came down harder on the next stroke. Perfect!

In between strokes, he would kiss the mark that the crop had left on her skin. Which was perfect, except that he was wearing entirely too much in the way of clothing!

Of course, Shianni pointed this out to him, and Vaughn obliged her by removing his shirt.

He came closer to her, to kiss her again, just for Shianni to wrap her arms around his body and drag him even closer to her. Despite that the circulation to her arms was being cut off somewhat by the bindings and the fact that her arms were suspended well above her heart, Shianni pressed her body against him, swinging in her restraints, so that she could feel his body pressed up against her, his erection hard against her naked belly.

She wiggled her fingers experimentally. "I'm getting a little numb," she said.

"If I let you go," Vaughn asked, "Will you be a good little girl?"

"Girl?"

"Oh, fine," Vaughn said. "Knife-eared whore."

Shianni's face lit up. "I will be a very good little knife eared whore. I'll kneel before you and lick your boot, and suck your big human cock, and do anything you want me to."

Vaughn unbuckled her restraints and eased her to the ground.

"You want me to kneel, right?" Shianni asked, already kneeling.

"Yes, kneel."

"Before your mighty and masterful cock?"

"Uh, yes."

Really, this whole scenario had worked out so much better in Shianni's head than it ever did when Vaughn was actually muttering the words. He really needed to try harder.

"Of course, master," she murmured into his boots. He was silent for a long time, so she decided to prompt him. "Tell me that I'm a bitch and a slut and a whore."

"You're a bitch, a slut, and a whore?"

"And a knife-eared thief."

"Yes, yes, and a knife-eared thief."

"And you want me to choke me with your big human cock, then fuck me until I'm sore, and fill me up with your seed and make me give you human children."

"Can we just get on with this?"

Vaughn really could be such a disappointment at times! Still, Shianni wasn't about to let this evening go without even getting laid once, so she sat up on her heels and unlaced his breaches, pulling out his big human cock. She ran her tongue along it, wishing that he'd just hurry this whole thing up and thrust into her mouth until she gagged. Instead, he sat very still as she ran her tongue around the head then down the length. She could hear Vaughn's breathing quicken. Why wasn't he doing anything about this?

Finally, she took him in her mouth, forcing him so deep down her throat that she gagged slightly. At last, she was getting somewhere! It was nice to know that even if he wasn't willing to gag her with his cock, that she could do the job herself!

"We really ought to change positions before I actually come," Vaughn said, trying to push her away.

Oh, nice! So he was being sort of rough? Shianni would take what encouragement she could get!

"Oh, yes," she said, pretending that his push had been enough to send her sprawling on the floor. "Take me now. Your big cock raping me throat made me totally turned on."

She cracked open an eye, just to see that Vaughn was now kneeling before her prone body. He lifted one of his legs over a shoulder.

"I hope this won't hurt," he said.

"Make it hurt!" Shianni begged.

"Um, OK."

He thrust into her, and it was mostly what she wanted. A fairly big, definitely human cock filling her to the brim. He thrust into her, without too much regard for what she wanted, and it felt really good. Like any cock would, she guessed, but especially one from a vile shem.

"Harder, faster!" Shianni pleaded. Vaughn mostly obliged, by speeding up his thrusts.

When he finally came inside her, Shianni felt the delightful naughtiness of an elf who had just chanced having a shem baby, and thus helping to condemn her people to extinction. Really, nothing compared to that naughtiness. When Vaughn raised himself on his arms above her to give her a gentle kiss good bye, she asked, "When will I see you next?"

"Oh, hopefully very soon," Vaughn said.

That was good enough for Shianni.


	4. Juicy Gossip

Juicy Gossip

_For Rinji, for the secret swooper exchange. Original A/N at the bottom.  
_  
"What are you doing?" Leliana asked Zevran. He was huddling by the door to Duran Aeducan's room, and giggling under his breath.

"This you must hear," he said, beckoning her over. She knelt beside it, and listened. All that she could hear was the sounds of rustling and a few movements going on in the room. There was nothing that merited eavesdropping. Yet.

"So?" she asked.

"So far, nothing," Zevran said. "But I am getting to the good part. I saw Morrigan go into Duran's room an hour ago, and ask to have sex with him."

"Sex with Duran?" Leliana asked. The dwarf had turned her down flat when she'd propositioned him a year ago, telling her that he wasn't at all interested in humans.

"He said no. But it was enough to catch my attention," he gave a slight shrug, followed by a wicked grin. "Then we get to the good part – after Duran said no, Morrigan asked for Alistair. And what can I say? The fates smile on the lad. He will experience the pleasures of the flesh at least once in this life."

Leliana doubted that this was entirely true. Alistair was engaged to Queen Anora, after all. Then again, Alistair had asked to kill her father, and Duran had butchered Loghain right in front of Anora, so maybe Zevran had a point...

She pressed her ear closer to the door, just in case she heard something. She heard nothing more than a few rustles. "You're playing with me," she said.

"I never jest," Zevran said, holding up an open hand. "Crow's honor."

Leliana pressed her ear to the door again, just to hear, "Tis not as hard as you imagine. Even someone with your limited intellect should be able to undress himself."

"I can take my clothing off," Alistair said, his voice only just muffled by the door. "I'd just rather do this in the dark."

"Considering your gluttony, such a thing does not surprise me," Leliana heard Morrigan say. "But you are inexperienced, and I do not care for this to take all night just because you can't figure out what goes where."

"And here I thought you were such a seductress that it barely mattered what I did," she heard Alistair say. "I expected just to lie back and think of Ferelden."

She turned to Zevran, "How long have they been bickering?"

"For half an hour," Zevran said. He pressed his ear to the door as well. "I am hoping they get to the good parts soon. Duran has said that we must wake tomorrow at dawn, and I would prefer for this not to take all night."

"You could leave now," Leliana said. Although she had no intention of going.

"And miss the good parts? Never!" Zevran said.

Leliana crouched by the door, listening. She heard something thud to the floor that she thought was a boot.

"Can you do nothing more than gape at me?" she heard Morrigan ask.

"This was your idea," Alistair whined. "I have no idea what you want me to do."

"Get on the bed," Morrigan said. There was a soft thump, followed by the sounds of the ticking crinkling and blankets sliding against each other. "I see that I shall have to do all the work around here."

Leliana listened for a bit, but her ears were not sensitive enough to make out what else might be going on. She heard bumps and rustles and what might have been a sigh, but she couldn't put the sounds together to form a scene. She looked away from the door, and was just about to get up to go to bed when Zevran caught her glance. He nudged the door so that it opened just enough for them to peer inside.

Morrigan was leaning over Alistair's prone body on the bed, and both were completely naked. Despite that the room was only barely lit, Leliana could make out that their faces were close together, that they appeared to be kissing, and that Alistair had Morrigan's body pulled tight against his.

She glanced down at Zevran, who was holding a hand to his mouth, trying to muffle his laughter. The sight of him giggling set her off so that she had to bite her own hand to keep from alerting Alistair and Morrigan as to what was going on.

"How long do you think they have been waiting to do this?" Zevran asked, once he'd calmed down enough to speak.

"Since Lothering," Leliana said, before the sound of Morrigan's voice made her turn her attention back to what was going on in the room.

"Must you slobber so?" Morrigan said. "That was like being kissed by a mabari."

"You know what they say about us Fereldans," Alistair replied. Just for him to grab her and draw her into another deep kiss.

It didn't take long for Morrigan to shift down Alistair's body, and, after a bit of reaching around, for their movements to change to something rather different.

"Looks like he's figured it out!" Leliana said. "Good for Alistair!"

"The Chantry Boy is a fast learner," Zevran said.

Leliana giggled, before remembering to muffle her voice with her hand. Luckily, the couple in the room were far too preoccupied to notice, and continued moving until, barely after it had started, the two stopped. Morrigan began to disentangle herself from Alistair's body, and Leliana thought that she ought to get out of the hallway, fast, just before she saw Alistair reach over and grab Morrigan's arm.

"Are you sure the spell worked?" Alistair asked.

"Considering how inept you are, 'tis rather unlikely," Morrigan said, just to be pulled into another embrace.

"I can't believe they're doing this again," Leliana said, watching as the two wriggled about on the bed.

"Practice does make perfect," Zevran said. "He will have more staying power the second time around, I think."

Leliana giggled. "Anora should send Morrigan a thank you note!"

The two of them watched as Morrigan moved over Alistair's body a second time, and he reached to grasp her hips.

"Ah, it seems our boy is learning," Zevran whispered in her ear.

Alistair's hands slid up and down Morrigan's thighs. "Is there something you want me to do?" Alistair said, his voice sounding strangely husky.

"Get your filthy hands off of me," Morrigan replied, although despite her complaints, Leliana saw her take Alistair's hands in hers and positioned them to where she wanted them. Just to release his hands once she had them in place, lean back against his grip and moan.

"I never would have thought that Morrigan was sensitive there," Zevran said, between muffled giggles.

Leliana giggled. "Quite a few women are, you know."

"I did, but I hadn't thought that Morrigan would be," Zevran said. He shrugged.

Leliana returned her attention to the couple on the bed. They were moving more frantically, and had started making quite a bit of noise. They way they were carrying on would make it hard to sleep, even if she did go back to her room.

"Alistair does seem to be lasting longer," she said, her attention moving back to Morrigan, who was moving rather frantically now. "I do wonder if Morrigan will manage to climax?"

Zevran chuckled. "I'd wager a sovereign on it."

"That she does or doesn't?"

"That she does," Zevran said. Just for both of them to turn back to stare at the couple writhing on the bed. From Morrigan's motions, she was close. At least from Leliana's experience of women, which were not insignificant.

"I don't think I want to gamble with you," Leliana said, just to watch Morrigan tremble, whimper, and collapse against Alistair's chest. His arms tightened about her body.

"They are making a rather good show of it, no?" Zevran asked. They were. Alistair had managed to flip Morrigan over, and was now moving quite rapidly above her. The witch's hand had moved to her groin again, and she was moaning, her voice rising in volume.

"I'm really rather impressed with them," Leliana said. "For his first time, Alistair is quite skilled."

"The boy does have potential," Zevran said. "It almost makes me sorry that I was not more persuasive in convincing the lad to hop borders with me."

Leliana did think that Zevran was a bit remiss, if he had truly hoped to seduce Alistair. She had sort of wanted to, once. But men never were as much to her taste as were women.

She turned her attention back to the couple just to watch Morrigan arch up from the bed one last time, before relaxing into it. A few seconds later, Alistair to stiffened and collapsed on top of her prone body.

"Do you think they're done for the night, or do you think that they'll try it again?" Leliana asked.

"Oh, I think they have one more go of it," Zevran said, his voice a bit too loud for someone who was eavesdropping. "At least. Maybe more. Grey Warden stamina and all that." He turned to Leliana. "Did you want to bet on how many times they consummate their passion tonight?"

Leliana thought about the possibilities. "Oh, probably not," she said at last with a bit of a giggle. "You have far more experience in that area than I do, and I've been told never to bet with a Crow."

"What if it was just a little bet?" Zevran asked, gesturing to indicate small things with his hands. "Something unimportant. Like a drink? Or a kiss?"

"Why would I want a kiss from you?" Leliana asked.

"I am a very expert kisser, when I set my mind on the skill," Zevran said. "I might also offer a relaxing massage. A warmed bed. A-"

Before he could finish the thought, the door opened, causing Leliana to jump away from it in shock. She blinked rapidly at the person in the doorway. Alistair appeared to be right in front of her, wearing only a blanket draped around his waist, his hair even more disheveled than usual.

The two of them stare at each other for a long time, before Alistair flushed beet red and demanded, "What are you two...I mean, how long have you been out here?"

Leliana looked up at him and batted her big blue eyes, doing her best to give a sweet and innocent smile. "No time at all."

Zevran interrupted her. "What Leliana means to say is that we just happened to be having a nice conversation when you so rudely interrupted us."

Alistair gave them both a disgusted look. "Had you thought of having it somewhere else?"

Zevran gave a charming smile, took Leliana's hand, and led her down the hall. "We were just on our way to do that now," he said, with a backwards glance at Alistair, who closed the door behind him and went back inside the room he had been sharing with Morrigan.

He ran down the hall, holding Leliana's hand in his. Just after they had turned the corner, he leaned over to her to whisper in her ear, "After all, everyone in the party must learn of what we witnessed tonight!"

_I hate to start a story with an apology, but I am so, so sorry. When I read Rinji's profile, I realized that she is the sort of person who likes fics where people ride unicorns on rainbows. While I'm the sort who would sit at the bottom of the rainbow with a high caliber shotgun, and bet on the patterns in which the blood splattered. Our pairing is a horrible, horrible mismatch of tastes. In my defense, I tried to write a story that would not suck many times. This was the closest I came to something that would (hopefully) not totally piss Rinji off. I may later post those that probably would make her seek me out and attempt to skin me alive on my personal account. But hopefully this only moderately annoys her. It's the best I can do. Really! I promis_e! _(Post script: Rinji either liked this or pretended that she did. Thanks Rinji!)__  
_


End file.
